Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Longest Day

In case you missed it, June 21st was the longest day of the year, the equinox, the beginning of summer. But when your wife has four cats, all days seem equally long. Take this morning for instance, a typical morning at the humble abode, when my day began at 5:30 a.m. No, it wasn’t the alarm, I no longer have to deal with alarm clocks at my age; it was the sound of a cat scratching on a door to be let out.

Brat Cat is the first one up in the mornings when its own internal alarm tells it wake up and annoy the guy in the bed. Time of day isn’t much of a factor, could be 4:00 a.m., could be 6:00, might even be 3:00. Things got out of hand when the Missus began to reward this ridiculous behavior by opening the door for the little wench. From then on it was scratch, scratch, scratch, each and every morning. I came up with a counteraction. Since the damaged door is within sight of my bed, I found that a well aimed pillow discourages this nonsense in a most satisfying manner. And, if I twist my wrist just so and apply a little English, the pillow will bounce off the wall in a ricochet fashion, tumble down the hall, and hopefully instill some negative feedback along with some serious physiological trauma.

Once the Brat Cat gives up and goes back to bed, Minnie Le Mew, announces the presence of her fat ass by jumping on the bed, simulating one of those minor Oklahoma earthquakes we hear about every now and then. Hearing the commotion at the door, Minnie is now awake and hungry. But Minnie is quick to realize the futility of it all and gives it up, taking a position at the foot of the bed to sleep and wait for the sun.

Problem is, this awakens the yellow cat. Yella takes a more direct approach with his demands to be fed and stands on my chest, stretches, claws extended, fangs inches from my throat. Most mornings I call his bluff and push him away, but not before he manages to leave a few more red marks on my hide to remember him by.

If that weren’t enough, from out of the darkness, another cat is heard from. Blue, the gray cat, begins to complain quite audibly from her confinement in the pantry room where she is kept in medical isolation ever since she began to “mark” her territory inside the freakin’ house. “Mark” being a nice word for pissing on the wall. The cries are continuous until I get out of bed and unceremoniously dump her kinky butt in the back yard to go out and play with the coyotes.

Remember the movie The Longest Day about the invasion at Normandy during World War II? It came out in 1962 starring John Wayne, Richard Burton, and Robert Ryan.  I think it’s time for a new film: All Days Are Long starring Brat, Yella, Minnie, and Blue about the feline invasion of Sand Springs. I would narrate from the losers perspective.

1 comment:

  1. Don't you know cats are the center of the universe???


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