Sunday, June 10, 2012

Bloody Sunday

While many of you folks out there are spending your Sunday mornings at the lake, in church, out with the family, or just coiled up with a good game on TV, let the record show that I, your public servant, am hard at work here at the humble abode. As it is on most Sunday mornings, I continue to sacrifice my personal time in the seemingly never-ending quest to find the perfect Bloody Mary mix. I do this as a public service to my friends, my relatives, and to the community. It has not been without sacrifice.

For years, I recommended the old standard, Mr. & Mrs. T’s., but over time, the spiciness of the mix became a little more than my old digestive system wanted to deal with; heartburn, upset stomach, that sort of thing. I reasoned that there must be others out there, suffering from like symptoms, and took it upon myself to come up with an alternative mix.  

The result was a simple concoction of Campbell’s Spicy V8, a dash of Worcestershire sauce (two or three drops, no more), salt, and ground pepper. Uncomplicated, but tasty, and my tummy loved it. 

Then, about a month ago, I heard about a product called Zing Zang. I drove 30 miles to south Tulsa to find a store that carried it, but it was worth the effort. Good? OMG! It was the perfect mix. (I have since learned that the Super Wal-Marts also have it on the shelves.)

I had only one opportunity to try it out before the proposed striper fishing trip and while it slid down quite smoothly, the bowels rejected the whole idea in the form of some serious diarrhea. As the old saying goes, I think I could have shit through a screen at thirty paces and never hit a wire. However, and one not quick to judge, I wrote that nasty little episode off as probably something I ate. But no. Identical results at Lake Texoma, but thankfully not while on the water. Can you visualize the scenario? 

“Uh, Mr. Guide, I know you went to a great deal of expense and effort to put our group on these fish and are being hauled in on every line as fast as they can reel… but I need to go to shore.”

Reluctant to admit defeat, I pressed on and gave Zing Zang a couple more chances, this time at home and close to a commode. Same thing. Damn it!

I was mentally prepared to tuck my tail between my legs and retreat to the Spicy V8 when my old friend Bennett came through. His wife Donna (yes the same Donna of swapping t-shirts fame) and who had once been a bartender, came up with a new recipe. It starts with Clamato Juice, a drink totally unfamiliar to yours truly; the basic ingredients being tomato juice and dried clam broth. Yeah, I know, sounds horrible but stay with me here. To that you add horseradish, Worcestershire, celery salt, black pepper, a dash of Tabasco and you’re done. (exact amounts are of course, proprietary)

Preliminary testing has been wildly successful. Just the right amount of tanginess without throwing the innards into turmoil. Obviously, much more research will need to be done before declaring this recipe fit and safe for human consumption.

So, enjoy your Sunday, have fun, but please think of me, your humble servant, while I sit and sip here in the semi-darkness of the man-cave, toiling away, with only your best interests at heart. You’re welcome.


  1. And you probably get some kind of Omega 3 good-for-you-stuff from the clams, right? The perfect drink. That's my theory, and I'm stickin to it. I'm sure you need some confirmation and validation for your experiments, so will help you out come next weekend and contribute to your quest for mankind's perfect Bloody Mary by trying out the Donna Jane concoction. (have actually had the Clamato before, and liked) Will submit my data soon.

  2. I found your blog after Googling two terms: "Zing Zang" and "diarrhea," after wondering what the heck was going on. I had found a bottle of the stuff today and loved it - no alcohol, just somewhat diluted bloody Mary mix. About two hours later, while driving across town, I had this huge accident in the car. I got to the office and cleaned up and thought the same thing you did: must have been something I ate. Later in the day, I tried another (smaller) glass and was in the restroom within 45 minutes. Too bad, as it has the best BM taste. -Still looking for a better mix.

  3. This just in: Try Clamato Juice with Picante. New at Wal-Mart.


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