Cats! AAARRRGGHHHH

The day is coming soon when I will be forced, well, more like an obligation to the public, to add a few additional chapters to my little book "Cat Consequences". You see, the consequences here at the humble abode just keep stackin' up. Consider:

The cat known as Minnie le Mew has taken a liking to  developed a fetish for my computer keyboard. This condition became known a few nights ago when  a loud crash was heard sometime around 3 a.m. Seems that Minnie, with all her excess poundage, decided to make a flying leap (for the mouse?), landing somewhere between the Caps Lock and Enter keys,bringing down the keyboard and slide-out drawer, rails and all. In fact, even as I write this, a fluffy orange and black tail is dangling over Ctrl and Tab.

Then there's the preventive maintenance aspect which has gotten completely out of control.

Me: Hon, have you seen my hearing aid? I left in on the dresser last night.
Missus: (mumbles something)
Me: What? I can't hear you.
Missus: (Yelling now) I put it in your sock drawer so the cats wouldn't eat it.

Then there's the matter of the open door/closed door policy. Certain doors must remain open at all times to allow access to the litter box, food bowls, water bowls, cat toys, and favorite sleeping spots. Others, but not many, remain closed, denying entry to such places as closets, certain bedrooms, and may God Have Mercy on your Soul if you leave the door to the attic stairs open. Why? Because the little darlings could dash up the steps, fall into the insulation, be trapped, and die a horrible death. Or so I'm told.

Now I may have explained the conditions here before but it needs to be repeated. I know, all you macho types are saying, "Why, I'd shoot them damn cats." You do not understand the situation. My choices are.

A. Deal with the cats or
B. Pay alimony and live under a bridge down by the river.

I knows my place Baby and it ain't #1.