Thursday, September 1, 2011

Butt Honey, I Didn't Mean It!

It was a typical early evening here at the humble abode, sitting around, sipping a spooker, watching Brian Williams on the NBC Evening News, when I hear a call from the bathroom.

“There’s something wrong with my butt. Come take a look.”

Now I’ve been married to that particular butt for over fifty years and have seen it in a variety of conditions; clothed, nude, wet, dry, pale, shining, sun burnt, and chigger bit. I have seen it young, wrinkle free, and ahem…otherwise. At this stage in life, nothing about that butt could surprise me, or so I thought.

“Check out my right cheek,” says the Missus twisting for a better angle in the mirror. “It’s deformed.”

She was absolutely right. There was a notable difference between the left and right mound. The right, I hated to admit was, and how can I put this delicately, sagging. The left, admittedly but a shadow of its former 19-year-old self—first observed on a memorable wedding night in Kansas City—remained relatively perky. The right, however, was that of a much older woman, one in bad health and possibly suffering from malnutrition, seemingly belonging to some poor Jewish woman in a Nazi concentration camp.

But after thinking it through, a theory came to light. Since her accident with the broken right foot, that side of her body, from the waist down, had been without a lick of exercise, grown soft, and yes, saggy. The left, on the other hand was muscled up, toned up, and growing stronger by the day, probably due to that peculiar one-footed bunny hop up that she does going up and down the hallway. So strong in fact, that I have fears about her kicking my ass with her new Super Foot.

It was in that light, that I made my carefully measured response.

“Oh love of my life (or something to that effect) fear not. What you see is a perfectly natural condition due to your unfortunate accident, and with the proper care lovingly bestowed by your faithful husband, a little bit of professional therapy, and a reasonable amount of time from Mother Nature, your butt shall return to its natural beauty before you know it.”

Her reply? It was a direct quote from Joe Wilson, R-South Carolina, to President Barack Obama in the middle of his speech to congress.

“You lie,” she said.

She had me there.

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